Monday, April 14, 2014

There is Room Enough

The past three weeks, different events kept leading me back to the
same question. “ Is there room for me in the Church? I just don’t fit
in.”

I stood with the Filipino sisters in an elevator when a local Chinese
member staring at them with a duck face. I faced ridicule when I
disagreed with bigotry and refuse to follow.I put my arms around a
troubled soul and love regardless of choices and values.I heard story
after story of faithful, strong, and caring Filipino sisters facing
challenges in their lives, gasping for air in a stormy sea.

I pled and implored my whole soul wanting to feel the reassurance
that God was aware of my situations, my feelings towards all the
injustice. He might not decide to fix everything, but I needed to know
that He knew, and that He had heard my cry.

I will not leave the Church but how do I stay?

With the lens of a researcher, I was seeking for the unconventional/
unorthodox views in General Conference and here is the list of part of
my findings:

1.  The number of blessing doesn’t positively correlated to the level
     of gratitude.
2.  Being grateful does not simply mean being cheerful in distress.
3.  We shouldn’t wait for positive outcome in order to be grateful.
4.  God’s awareness of us isn’t equal to the response time of
     answers to prayers but he knows us and hears the pleading of our
     hearts.
5.  What seemingly is considered a burden, weights, provides the way
     to safe/lift us.
6.  Happiness isn’t the absences of trials/burden.

My heart rejoiced with this renewing sense of the gospel. Years of
listening to “thank-i-mony”, and very narrow-minded sense of
understanding motivated me to stay outside of the box.

Just when I was getting ready to start watching the last session, I felt
a little hand tapping my shoulder. We hugged, and cried as I
facilitated and witnessed this child of God overcoming doubts and
confusions by diligently seeking answers and exercising agency. It
was miraculous and I once again appreciated Heavenly Father’s
humour for He kept putting people on my path to help eventually
leading to a way of rescuing my struggling self. 


I sat down and rejoined the conference.
As women, young, and elderly across the world singing
“I am a child of God; and He has sent me here”,

I knew,
there was room enough for me.


K.D.







Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Will Ye Also Go Away?

We read in John 6:66-71 where the disciples “went back and
walked no more with him.” The Savior turned around and asked
the twelve, “Will ye also go away?” It is clear that the Savior has
already known the answer but He extended the chance of
reflection (verse 67).

The past weekend was one of the hardest times when my
testimony was challenged. For me, an individual who loves
learning and am super passionate about equality and justice, my
experience shattered my confidence and questioned the very
essence of my conviction of the gospel.

I pulled myself together and was very diplomatic about it knowing
my action would be a reflection of what I believed in. It took all
my strength to restrain myself from doing anything stupid
because of my anger and frustration. Notwithstanding my
calmness, I fought for my dignity and refused to be manipulated
even when my personality, reputation were at stake.

When the shell shock passed, my feelings surfaced. To be
utterly honest with you, I was crushed. The feeling of being
insulted, humiliated, and torn apart by a priesthood leader was
brutal. The anguish was so tremendous that I wanted to cry
every awaking moment. My energy was drained, and I kept
having flash backs of the interview.

I stand with Peter, who responded, “Lord, to whom shall we go?
Thou hast the words of eternal life.”


In an earthly justice sense, I want to clear my name and I want
him to be responsible for all the awful accusations
(without grounds) pounced against me.

But that’s not the way leading to true healing. As much as I want
justice, I have to rely on the atonement to heal the consequence
of other’s misuse of agency. Once again I have chosen to stay in
the Church, not because the condemnations are right or I
support the actions affected me. I stay because I know this is the
restored Church of Jesus Christ. If I hold on, heal, and learn from
this experience, it will be beneficial for my spirituality in a way I
could have never imagined.

“Indeed, you can have sacred, revelatory, profoundly instructive
experiences with the Lord in the most miserable experiences of
your life—
in the worst settings, while enduring the most painful
injustices, when facing the most insurmountable odds and
opposition you have ever faced.”
– Elder Jeffrey R. Holland,  “Lessons from Liberty Jail”


K.D.