Saturday, March 29, 2014

Ordinary Courage

Our lives are shaped by these moments of truth. Whether is
the chance of loving the right person at the right time, reveal a
piece of truth that will turn the table, or even following the
prompting of the spirit, these events alter the course our destiny
and unleash all sorts of emotions such as joy, regrets, shame,
authenticity, freedom, etc…

My defining moment was a difficult lesson.

Because of my athletic, nerdy, and geeky lifestyle, I was a
Tomboy looking girl with a terrible sense of insecurity in collage.
I had a close group of friends but I longed to fit in. One day, my
cell phone rang. To my surprised, the call was from a classmate
who was also from Hong Kong, a talented student, and a
dashing star on campus. I was so flattered that she would even
know my existence let alone calling me.

Soon her intension was revealed. She would be leaving on a
trip and wanted me to check her presence on the attendance
list. She gave a few pretty good justifications and quickly hung
up. I couldn’t refuse her request becauseI thought I was helping
a friend. I clearly knew it was wrong but instead I traded my
integrity with the chance of being accepted. 

How did it end?
She came back from the trip and of course never spoke a word
to me. 

I felt used. I felt stupid. I felt unoriginal because deep down I
was not comfortable in my own skin. It was very shameful to
even think back how insecure, not confident, and shy I was. But
I’ve learned and grown from it. I’ve vowed to follow my gut and
do the right thing.

In her moral development model, Psychologist/feminist Carol
Gillian proposed 3 stages of female’s moral development.

Stage 1: Pre-conventional: Focus on self-survival 
We tend to focus on individual survival criteria like living condition.

Stage 2: Conventional: responsibility to others, the nurturer role

Stage 3: Post-conventional: decision reflecting the balance of
caring for self and others.

Gillian elaborated that  when teenage girls transition from stage 1 
to stage 2, they struggled to maintain their ordinary courage and
muffled their voices as they were expected to choose
relationship over justice fulfilling the nurturer role.
They likewise experienced tension balancing self and relational 
obligation. Sadly, some people would be stuck in the process 
and the perspective rooted deeply influencing daily decisions.

Another learning opportunity surfaced again this week as I was
asked to do something unethical. To be very honest, I had no
problem dodging the task but the thought of remaining in
silence troubled me. Knowing my action to seek help and stop it
would cause not only disagreement but contention, I acted
upon my moral judgement. 

It has not been easy and I am well aware of the consequence.
The nerd in me keep counting all the possible retaliation and
the Mulan in me wanting to fight injustice and protect the
innocent. 

Tonight when I go to bed, I know I’ll have a clear conscience
knowing I have found my ordinary courage. 


Come what may, and love it!

K.D.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

The Get-Over-It Attitude

Last weekend I had this opportunity to attend conference at Berkeley, California. The conference is focused on sharing research on Mormonism in Asia. Honestly I had a great time there. I got the chance to meet with many great people and scholars. It was a great event for ideas exchange. All researches and papers were great and can't list them all here. However there's a little incident happened that I really wanted to share my thoughts on that.

During the Q&A session of the panel that I was in, a lady raised her hand, stood up and shared her comments right after and other lady in the crowd asked her question. I can't record the exact wordings of what she had said, but simply what she was trying to say was something like these, "we know all the answers to the issues and questions you all mentioned in your research. I am grateful that I know there are answers to these questions." She then stood up and walked out the room. I hope I didn't get it wrong but to me, what she meant was "you all just need get over it, for whatever you guys are talking about. There're answers in the gospel!" I agree that there are answers in the gospel that can solve our problems, however I don't believe that we can just simply say "get over it" and let that be the solution to any questions.

On the same day my friend shared with me that she struggled a lot in her ward, simply because people are having this get-over-it attitude. She said one time the teacher taught about forgiveness and a sister shared her struggle and not able to forgive someone at this stage of her life. Another sister just spoke up and said" oh! Just get over it!" The sister was disappointed, not that she couldn't forgive that person, but it definitely takes time to be able to forgive someone. In that situation, she is being categorized as the stubborn-not-forgiving person.

It seems like among members we seek to be result-orientated. We rejoice in hearing others successful story on overcoming challenges and struggles in life rather than listening to how they walked through the painful path. When we share our experiences, we tend to skip describing the process but focus on glorifying the outcome and what a great person we have become. Needless to say how we look down and step our feet onto those who are struggling because we accuse them being stubborn and not having enough faith that all things will eventually work out.


No one on this earth have the ability to fully comprehend what other person are going through in their lives. Nor should we tempt to believe that we have this ability and go around to mock those who are struggling, belittling them as the little-faith. Even though we seem to know that we can find most of the answers in life in the gospel, but God wants us to experience, ask question and seek help. He doesn't want us to just know the answer and get over it. We are all different. We all have our own challenges and struggles in life. Be a good listener to those who suffer. Let him/her share what they have been going through. Most importantly, we need to get rid of the get-over-it attitude. Don't pretend to be the expert in dealing with struggles and challenges because only the Lord is able to guide us through.


G.K.

Sunday, March 9, 2014

The Voices of Women

Pouting and exclaiming “It’s so unfair!” was my common gig 
complaining about unequal treatments between me and my brothers.
As a strong-willed little girl, I laid out my logical argument, letting my
tears streaming down my cheek freely and passionately negotiating
my demands. When my wish was granted, my mother recalled me
bouncing off with a big laugh and a slimy smile covered by a smear of
booger and tears. 

That was the beginning of my training in advocacy.

My voice was not necessary heard in all of the situations but I have
kept speaking (minus the slimy smile most of the time). That is my
right as a human being to express, to own my voice. In her book Lean In,
Sheryl Sandberg described an observation seeing women stepping
back and not sitting at the table along with their male colleagues. She
pointed out the core reasoning of this phenomenon was like the great
chicken-and-egg debate.

“Do we have gender inequality or under performing women women
first?”

Without being sucked into the debate, she offered a simple yet
powerful solution— LEAN IN. There goes with my answer of how to
get ourselves heard. When we speak up, not only we are empowering
ourselves but also buying that chance to be heard. 

Ever since I started this blog, I attracted quite a truckload of
overzealous comments on gender issues. It can get really frustrating
trying to get through some thick scalps but I truly enjoy the
opportunity to take a stand on gender equality in all honesty.

Here is a real life example:
A poor soul came to me at work the other day telling me that the
equal number of elders and sisters in the MTC was the result of
lowing sister’s age requirement for a full-time mission. Granted that
was legit justification, he elaborated on women could now choose a
mission then a marriage rather than a marriage over a mission. 

That statement alone was enough gasoline to set me on fire.. haha

1. As researches, we recognize the possibility of the existence of
latent variables while attending to lineally explain complex issues
(cause and effect). In this situations, there are many many
possible latent variables such as the delay of first marriage.
According to the U.S. Bureau of the Census, the median age of
first marriage in 1990 for women was 23.9. In 2010, however the
number grew to 26.1. From the delaying trend of data, it is to
believe that women generally get married in a later age for
whatever reasons. Will more sisters now choose to serve
missions only because of the availability of choice over marriage,
I don’t think so.

2. There are plenty of choices besides a mission or a marriage.
Limiting the options down to two occurs to be utterly disrespectful
and objectifying women. With more equal opportunities, women
today have the options to be professionals, receive higher
education, and participate in civil services. Unlike many other
options, the decision of servicing a full-time mission should be
made between God and the individuals. It’s certainly not
something that anyone should just lightly choose and act upon
without further spiritual confirmation.

3. Our dispositions matter. The statement coming from a male,
Caucasian person do appear to be quite condescending. It’s not
that he can’t talk about it but let’s  be more open to different
voices. I was in shock how my reasons were shut right back down
as a female returned missionary who once made that choice to
serve. Be kind, be open, and be prepared to gracefully discuss
issues in different perspectives. 

I love being a woman who speaks up. 
I enjoy helping other women finding their own voices.
My highest respect and salute to you, the many men I know, who
listen compassionately and civilly.


Now, go and speak up :)

K.D