Wednesday, July 31, 2013

The bitter sweet of justification


        

        After listening to 500+ songs for my lyrics analysis project, there is this one song “If only I” by Jon McLaughlin keeps coming back to haunt me. It describes a narrator (McLaughlin) who has a crush on a girl he’s met at a café and the reasons why he doesn’t dare enough to talk to her. With McLaughlin’s mesmerizing voice, the anguish, anxiety, longingness really comes to life.
       
It’s more than just a tragic story of unattainable love. The narrative has represented the modern world view (logical reasoning in everything) and how we perceive the world through these lenses. It explains why we are the way we are and the paragon of perfection.

But here is the problem; do these reasonings serve as a justification for our behavioral pattern or a justification for change? In all honesty, I understand and empathize with some of us who carries burdens that are unspeakable and unbearable. Those burdens, scares, experiences are part of who we are and they do govern partially on how we think and act. Sadly, they can also be our own very prison cell of comfort zone.

It’s not about right or wrong. McLaughlin has expressed his heartfelt feeling and tells us why he freezes and back off from the girl of his dream. His reasoning is absolutely just but is it the outcome he wants? No, I don’t think so. How many times have we done the same talking ourselves out of getting what we really want? How can we bear the fact that we singlehandedly surround our dream ?

      Just a week ago I was struggling in sweat and tears with a paper which required me to talk about my philosophical stand, justifications, and how it related to my line of work (working with the gifted population and female sexual violence victims). Every word I typed reminded me of the unpleasant memory of Fall 2012. In my last philosophy paper, a professor who openly encouraged us to speak for ourselves severally penalized me for my own interpretation in my arguments. I could care less about a stinking grade like C+ on my transcript but I felt betrayed, humiliated, and stifled. At one point, I was contemplating dropping out and just quit although I knew perfectly that I needed to persevere.  

      So there I was again up all night writing a paper and questioning myself at every sentence “What if she doesn’t like my idea?” or “What if I sound like an amateur and blow it ?” A two day writing plan turned into an entire week battling back and forth on how authentic I should be in my writing and how high my stakes are. Bracing up for the honest truth, I sat at my boarding gate at the airport and spilled my guts out.

      The serenity coming from staying authentic, genuine, and passionate is good enough for me but the bonus is to know my thinking process and articulation are appreciated. Risking another C+, I was able to connect with an amazing therapist and landed me a seat for training in Calgary. It's worth taking that leap of faith and using my justification as a push!!!


K.D. 

Saturday, July 27, 2013

The Misconception of Callings

In here I am not trying to dig into the doctrinal issues of church callings. For those who are not familiar to LDS Church, calling is referred to an assignment and responsibility given to members of the Church to serve the congregation. It is a voluntary-based task. Assignments are given through the inspiration from the leaders of the congregation. There are many different callings such as Bishop, Young Women President, Sunday School Teacher, Librarian, and Nursery leader...etc. 

As members of the Church, we have been counseled to serve others with all our heart, might, mind and strength (D&C 4) and treat each calling as if they are equally important. As Jesus taught in Matthew, "and whosoever will be chief among you, let him be your servant", it indicates there is no such classification in Christ Church and Church members should focus on magnifying their callings. However, social-cultural norm plays a significant role in influencing Church members' perception of callings.  

 Classification is a normal practice and way of perceiving the society and its members. One of the ways people's social status are being identified is through classification. This identification differentiates social class status. It is a norm for people to perceive a person titled as the president has a higher social status than a person titled as general officer in a company. Same applied to members of the Church who might see their bishop and auxiliary leaders have a more superior status than the others who do not yet entitled such callings.  

Several weeks ago I met my friend from my homeward. She has been out of town for a while. She asked my current calling and I said I serve in the Stake Young Women Presidency. Her response is priceless but yet problematic to me. She said, "Wow! You are so awesome (!你好勁呀!)" (The English translation cannot fully interpret the meaning in Chinese. Her reaction indicates that because she thinks that I am capable so that I am assigned to this calling.) I politely thank her compliment. 

Personally, the calling itself, and the title do not matter to me, as long as those who are called are magnifying their callings. However, once you are called to the so-called "high rank" leadership position in the Church, people have great expectation on you as if you are qualified to lead them. When your efforts do not satisfied their needs, criticism and judgmental comments follow. In the Chinese society, a person's title is critically important because it involves the issue of "face culture" and family and personal pride and shame. Especially for male, the situation of one man not being called to the so-called high ranking position, create identity crisis similar to Asian American men face in the United States. They think themselves as inferior of others and they are generally perceive as the weak. It contradicts the social norm in Chinese society that men are the household head and leaders in the family and in the society. 

Also,finding people to fulfill a calling is not an easy task. In general a person is being called to a certain calling through inspiration. I do not doubt the power from on high, however, 'seats are always reserved for the capable" seems to become the unspoken rule and criteria for callings. Many times I have heard people saying, "so-and-so is so awesome and has such skills, he/she will be good for this callings and we will have less trouble". This idea troubles me. I observe that people who have been called to be Sunday School teachers are always the Sunday School teachers, and people who seem to be the leader-materials are usually called to be a leader. There is a certain group of people, who are perceived neither into any of these groups, will never get a chance to serve in such calling because no one think that they are capable of doing so. In return, that group of people generally think that they are not capable neither. This is not how it supposes to work. In the movie, Joseph Smith: the Prophet of the Restoration, Prophet Joseph Smith said, "God calls us in our weaknesses and qualifies us for the work". I believe this is a good reminder to all of us and help others to believe that "THEY CAN DO IT", instead of placing our values on them and influencing them on being who they are. 

"...the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his statue; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart." Yes, the Lord looks on the heart. Let us remember that we are all precious individual to Him and wipe away such misconceptions on callings, and on each individual.

G.K.

Monday, July 22, 2013

The ONE syndrome


5 weeks of studying contemporary family and marriage issues went by in a blink of an eye. For my final paper, I have chosen to write about my philosophical stand in the postmodern band and a common ideology in the Mormon culture which I am sure you are familiar with, the ONE. Well, my concern is that we are judging the value of relationship solely by its outcome and reinforcing it without knowing.

Relationship has such an interesting dynamic. It can vary from person to person yet yielding a commonality of a desire of connection. What I have been noticing is the hidden social discourse of “predestined love” among the Mormon culture and how it influences the value we impose of relationship.

Let's give you an example. Why would the feeling of shame surface when a relationship ended? Feeling miserable because he/she isn’t the ONE? Timing isn’t right? Location is all messed up? Perhaps we have all asked these questions and I am curious to know why. As soon as we place a value on relationships, we crown the end of relationship with a negative connotation then attributing it to all sorts of justification (feeling shame, guilt, not good enough, etc……).

As a postmodernist, these values go straight down the drain for me yet it is affecting so many of my friends. The suffocation, anxiety, and fear of believing "this is not the ONE=it sucks" is paralyzing their ability to enjoy normal socialization. How can we ever oversimplify a relationship and draw out a presumptuous conclusion declaring the worth of a relationship based on its consequence?

In D&C 122:7, experiences are clearly taught to be for our own benefit and so are relationships. No one can ever leave a relationship and still be identical to the person as it starts. We learn and grow which literally transforms us whether it is good or bad. It provides meanings and teaches us valuable lessons on how and who to love. Once we can see through these value judgments, we gain a renew sense of appreciate to relationships that have been brought to an end and anticipate the next exciting journey.


Marianne Williamson said, “We are not held back by the love we didn’t receive in the past, but by the love we are not extending in the present.” 

K.D.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Your First Name, My Surname


Your First Name, My Surname (你的名字,我的姓氏) is a famous Cantonese pop song by Jacky Cheung. This song illustrates two lovers and their love story. Their happily ever after is accomplished by having the woman using the man’s last name, as the song title depicted. The lyric goes like this…”your last name with my surname, our story completes perfectly. After that, we have nothing to worrying about, even our story is ordinary, but with you, it’s more than enough” (你的名字和我姓氏,成就這故事。從此以後,無憂無求,故事平淡但當中有你,已經足夠。Please forgive my poor translation.) For the few weddings I have attended (I don’t like attending weddings because they are boring), it is a “must-play” song.

        In Hong Kong, it is not required by law to change the woman’s last name after getting married. Instead, we do not just simply change the last name, we add husband’s last name in front of woman’s full name. For example, if a woman’s name is “CHAN Mei Lai” and her husband’s name is “LEE Tai Ming”, the woman may change her name to “LEE CHAN Mei Lai” legally.
       
        In the Church, one of the ways to identify married and single sisters is by looking at their names. If the sister’s name has four Chinese characters, mostly likely this sister is married (except those “double” Chinese surname such as Au-Yeung, Sze-To, Chu-Kok…etc). If the sister’s name has three Chinese characters, she is either single, divorced, or keeping their last name for other reasons.

        For some girls, adding their husband’s last name is a life-time achievement and life-time goal. Apparently, for some people, it is the victorious moment in their lives. It is a victory moment for them to announce to the world that they are out of the single-adult-loop. It responds to Jacky Cheung’s song, “…our story completes perfectly”.

        This naming system creates a love-and-hate relationship in Mormon culture. I have seen the newly-weds eagerly change their last names right after they are sealed in the temple by updating their name on facebook. I have seen some divorced sisters getting upset because some people still call them by their ex-husband’s last name. You can imagine how awkward the situation could be.

        From my observation, there is another significant usage of this naming system. Sisters in the Church would call each other by the combination of the husband’s last name and the sister’s last name. For example, if a sister’s name is “LEE CHAN Mei Lai”, she is referred as “LEE CHAN”. Or if a sister’s name is “WONG CHEUNG Siu Ling”, she is referred as “WONG CHEUNG”. As adding a husband’s last name seems to be a crowning event for one’s life, but their first names are being forgotten.

As a single sister, no one would ever call me by “KWOK”. The worst case is most people do not even know my full name. When my full name is called during church meeting, people look around and ask, “Who’s that gal?”

I have once heard, ”It isn't the words that we use tells the story. It is what those words mean changes the narrative." By adding/deducting one simple Chinese character could make a huge difference to one’s life.

G.K.
         


Wednesday, July 10, 2013

To stay or not to stay in the Church

While conformity is the norm of the Chinese culture, I am getting more and more messages from some of you indicating your contemplation on leaving the Church feeling you no longer belong. Guilty as charged. This question has popped into my mind more than you can think of but please hear me out. Just like President Kimball said, I can’t tell you how to live your life but I can tell you how I feel.

 The past few weeks I have been pursuing a discourse and stumbling on some power struggle and unreasonable restrain chaos among members. To be utterly honest, there were certainly moments when I was screaming in my mind thinking “What in the world these people are thinking”. In the midst of contention, what gives me strength to go on is my testimony and firm belief of individuality in a collective gospel.

The gospel of Jesus Christ is what brings us all together regardless of our age, gender, ethnicity, socioeconomic status, and culture. It is the foundation of our life and the guiding principle on how we work our way through eternity. While we collectively grow together as a people, a Church, individuality is essential and to be respected. Getting my patriarchal blessing has been the best proof of how much Heavenly Father truly knows each of His children and wants us to be different. It gives me hope and strength to turn my back on conformity and stereotypical expectation and just be who I am.

If you notice the latest implementation of new church materials (e.g. Preach My Gospel, Handbook 2, and the new youth curriculum), teachings in the Church are evolving to be more flexible, catering to individual needs, and less structural. It occurs to me that as a collective whole, we are finally mature enough to take teaching and learning experiences to a higher or personable level. What do we do if it’s still not happening? There are a few tricks I use to work my way through disappointment and frustration.

1: Rediscover your sense of humor. Be the wild card and just laugh the heck out of ridicules while you are expected to go ballistic. Last night in institute, a fellow classmate made a comment calling a Book of Mormon male character was a woman implying he was a wimp.  Instead of punching him in the face (although that was tempting), I laughed and responded “Oh come on, you just married one.” Our whole table burst out laughing and he got my message alright.   

2. It’s okay to say NO! It is a common misunderstanding that love thy neighbor means pouring your heart out to everyone. When your fellow brothers and sisters walk all over you, it’s okay to say no and stop it. It doesn’t mean that you’re not charitable or not longsuffering enough but it simply means you love them in a hi-bye manner.

3. Stick with what I know to be true. Some people may question the validity of my knowledge but we all know who the source of all truth is. Once I have a spiritual confirmation for my decision, I go for it and I am never alone. Look for people who will understand with an eye of faith.

It is a difficult journey and the trials can seem excruciating. I choose to stay because I have had far too many experiences assuring the truthfulness of the restored gospel. It gives me every bit of courage to try again, trust again, and be the change I desire earnestly to see. 

“A man of your kind has to live with his conscience.
A man has to live with his principles.
A man has to live with his convictions.
A man has to live with his testimony.
Unless he does so, he is miserable—dreadfully miserable.
And while there may be thorns,
while there may be disappointment,
while there may be trouble and travail,
heartache and heartbreak, and desperate loneliness,
there will be peace and comfort and strength. “

----- President Gordon B. Hinckley


K.D.

Sunday, July 7, 2013

The "Unplanned" Seating Plan

Police arrest man after fight over seat saving at LDS church

I guess most people are surprised by reading this news and think “how would LDS who claim to ‘love one and another’ all the time act like that?”, “It’s just a seat…so lame!!” You might not agree with me, but I suggest that most chapel has an “unplanned” seating plan drafted by its congregation. Members designate themselves into different areas of the chapel and unintentionally mark out their territories. 

Let me show you the floor plan of the chapel of my home ward. 

I have been going to this chapel for almost 12 years. During this period of time, I went on a mission for 18 months and attended BYU-Hawaii for 2.5 years. I have to say that this “unplanned” seating plan has not changed a bit. You always find the same families/people sitting in the same zone. I am guessing that the bishopric would find it convenient to them to track who is in and who is not.

My seating plan journey goes like this: I started sitting in the “Missionaries with Investigators” zone. After a couple months, I moved to the “Single Adult Zone” since my fellowshippers were single sisters in my ward. Occasionally I sat in “Family Zone 4” when the seats in the “Single Adult Zone” were filled (Yes, we do have a lot of single sisters in my ward). This seating practice continued on after I returned from my mission. After I graduated from BYU-Hawaii and returned to my home ward, I usually sit in the “Family with Young Kids Zone”. Occasionally I sat with a family I acquainted with in “Family Zone 1”. I tried a few times sitting in “Family Zone 2”. I remember I received faces indicating it was a bit strange to see me sitting there. I never land “Family Zone 3 & 5”.

I believe that the congregation is not intended to mark out their territories in the chapel. It is just a usual practice for them to sit in certain areas of the chapel. It is their comfort zone. I am not sure if the man arrested was angry because his “comfort zone” was invaded or he and the man got hurt have some other issues going on. This incident alerts us that unintentional act will lead to serious consequences. As the Bishop in that congregation said it is a good lesson for all of us.

I propose a “switch-the-seats-and-break-the-comfort-zone-day” to congregations who have this “unplanned” seating plan. You may find it awkward as first (just like what happened to me when I sat in “Family Zone 2”), but eventually I expect amazing things would happen when we break our comfort zone.

Hopefully we do not have to fight for a seat. 

G.K.


Thursday, July 4, 2013

Harry Potter vs. “not good enough” identity crisis - I

            Since I wrote about my experience with vulnerability last week, I have been reading up Daring Greatly by Dr. Brené Brown. While attempting to endure a morning bus ride with horrible summer body odor and ridiculous traffic, I laugh and cry like a maniac as Brené’s brilliant research sheds light and inspiration to change. In speaking of shame, she shares an epic conversation between Harry Potter and Sirius Black explaing a type of identity crisis which a lot of us have experienced as members of the Church.


Harry Potter: This connection between me and Voldemort... what if the reason for it is that I am becoming more like him? I just feel so angry, all the time. What if after everything that I've been through, something's gone wrong inside me? What if I'm becoming bad?

Sirius Black: I want you to listen to me very carefully, Harry. You're not a bad person. You're a very good person, who bad things have happened to. Besides, the world isn't split into good people and Death Eaters. We've all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are. 

Don’t we feel that from time to time? Feeling the guilt of imperfection? Feeling inadequate because we still haven’t got to the point where we have no disposition to do evil (Mosiah 5:2)? Feeling so broken, so empty, or not deserve to be loved because of what’s happened in our lives? The truth is that those feelings are very real and simply denying them won’t help. After having numerous conversations about the cause and solution for those feelings, I was called out with the following statement repeatedly, “You will not feel that if you have truly understood and exercised the atonement.”

I remember each of you whom I have listened to, prayed for, and cried with as a friend, a missionary, a YW President, or a R.S President.  Deep down in my heart, I just cannot accept that notion because for a split second, I have shared a very small portion of your pain and demon. That claim not only contradicts the purpose of this life (to experience, to learn which includes mistakes and scars) but also implies misconceptions of the atonement. What the prophets were trying to say and how they dealt with those feelings clearly disprove the presumptuous conclusion.

And yes believe it or not, they too have had those “shoot, I screw up”, “this is too hard” or “I can’t do it” moments even after their conversion or repentance.  My absolute favorite example is Moses’s meltdown (Numbers 11:11). He basically told the Lord (and I paraphrased) that he would rather be dead than taking care of the children of Israel whom he did not give birth to. From the degree of tantrum, I have no problem feeling his fatigue, frustration, and helplessness. In respond, the Lord empathetically sent Moses back to find 70 worthy men to share his responsibility and authority with thus came forth the quorum of the seventy.

No blaming and no challenging, Mose’s feelings were acknowledged and a solution was provided resolving his dilemma. Acknowledging our feeling of inadequacy is the first step to turn the tables. It empowers us to draw on help and solution to change reality.

Stay tuned for part  II on the atonement……

K.D.

Monday, July 1, 2013

The Culture of “Giving Face” and Church Activities’ Attendance

In Chinese culture, giving face (miànzi面子) is crucially important in a social setting. Either you are willingly or unwillingly giving face to others, it means that you show a certain degree of respect to another person, of his/her doings. Giving face is reciprocal. This time you “give face” to the one person, most likely that person will “give face” to you in return. However, sometimes “giving face” is quite demanding. When you do it unwillingly, you have inner struggle by showing respect on the surface and curse that person inside your heart.

The LDS Church focuses organizing a lot of activities to tie people together (FHE, ward activities, activities organized by the axillaries, such as Relief Society, Young Men, Young Women, Elder’s Quorum, Primary…etc.). Even though Church members have been counseled on focuses on the Gospel teaching instead of organizing numerous activities for the members and the community, activities are still a favorable choice for wards to connect its members. 

Sometimes when an activity is promoted in the Church, we find these responses:
-       Someone who is really interested in going and is perceived as a very active member in the Church;
-       Someone who is not interested in going, but still going because he/she has been invited by their leaders. Sometime these people feel obligated to go in order to give face to the leaders and to themselves;
-       Someone who is not interested in going and will not attend these activities. They are perceived as non-involving members and on the road to less active (Yes, it seems like you have to meet the culturally-made requirement to be active members by attending all Church services and Church activities, be hard-core!)

For some, it is crucial to “save face” so that people won’t think that they are being less active by not attending activities. For some, they “give face” to their leaders or their good friends who invited them to an activity that they are not interested in going. Sometimes, non-church related activities organized by members caused even more serious issues. I have once talked to a sister and she told me that she was asked to join an amateur class. She did not want to join but she was convinced by a member to join. I asked her why she did not refuse, she said because she did not know how and did not want to hurt that member. She even told me that several members who join that class felt the same way. I was speechless.

Can we be more liberal in regarding activities’ attendance? Members who organize activities should never force, or judge those who do not choose to attend. Members who decide not to attend an activity should never feel they should “give face” to the organizer or obligated to the members by attending an event that they are not interested in. Never use this as a way to show your faithfulness to the Gospel. I doubt if our faithfulness is judged according to the frequency of activities’ attendance.

Be true to yourself.

G.K.