Wednesday, June 26, 2013

“Forget me not”, vulnerability whispered.

             In Chinese, we have an idiom “男人大丈夫, 流血不流淚” (a grown man will rather be bleeding out than shedding tears) implicating emotions are signs of weakness. Growing up believing that was the definition of strength, I soon learned to “tough it up” and hid my vulnerable side.  It seemed not to hurt as much when I held all my sadness and tears in but there was a side effect to the solution. I was building a wall around me yet the same wall I thought was my protection isolated me from connecting with others.
          
This subject matter first hit me between the eyes when I was in the Missionary Training Center. One day studying Preach My Gospel, I came across the following lesson regarding God:

God is our Heavenly Father. We are His children. He has a body of flesh and bone that is glorified and perfected. He loves us. He weeps with us when we suffer and rejoices when we do what is right. He wants to communicate with us, and we can communicate with Him through sincere prayer.
          
It shattered all my core belief in bravery and I thought to myself, “Why will a perfect Almighty God cry?” The further I studied vulnerability in the scriptures, the more I found examples of wonderful prophets and even the Savior revealing their true emotions. The Savior wept when he arrived at the grave of his friend, Lazarus (John 11:35). Nephi wrote about his feeling of inadequacy and guilt as he recalled his previous iniquities (2Nephi 4:17-19) and King Benjamin expressed his humility by openly speaking of his infirmities (Mosiah 2:11). What appeared to be weakness in man’s eyes transformed and empowered them to go on with their discourses.  

Changing is probably one of the hardest challenges I have ever encountered as I have to constantly work against my natural instinct. Jeremy Bentham once said that mankind was governed by pain and pleasure and our natural inclination was to choose pleasure over pain. To be vulnerable is to open up and subject ourselves to possibility of misunderstanding, disappointment, rejection, hurt, uncertainty, and fear. The emotion is so raw and the feeling of depending on others just makes me feel super antsy. But just like my line in the worldwide broadcast, help is always there when we have faith.

Just when I was about to throw in the towel and crawl back to my comfort zone few days ago, two of the most loving, courageous women in my book inspiringly shared their hardest trials with me encouraging me to go on. So, we trembled, questioned, hugged, and cried together in the office (there wasn’t much I could do with the location when unplanned epiphany occurred). In the midst of chaotic emotions while learning from their examples, I found a tiny shred of courage acknowledging how I really felt.


I leave you with the same challenge. Believe that your emotions are real and you have every right to feel the way you feel then show it. I promise you that vulnerability is what makes us humane and empowers us with the ability to laugh, care, and love. It will only get better!

K.D.



Monday, June 24, 2013

Pay Attention to Your Reaction

It was a beautiful and sunny Friday afternoon in Seattle. I was there by myself for 5 days to attend a conference. Since it was my first time there, I planned a day to tour around downtown Seattle. I went to the famous Pike Place Market, Gum Wall, Space Needle…everything looks great and I was a happy and satisfied tourist, until I reached to the first Starbucks. Seattle is famous of its coffee shops, especially it’s the origin of Starbucks. I walked into the first Starbucks on Pike Pl, downtown Seattle.

As I was looking at the menu and deciding what to get, an inexplicable feeling crashed my mind and all of a sudden I looked around and checked if there was any Mormon around the shop. I felt like I was a thief, broke into a house hoping no one would see me. After a few seconds, I told myself, “Grace, are you kidding me? You are here alone by yourself and in no way you will meet some Mormons that you are acquainted with and think that you are going to order a cup of coffee and break the commandments” By the way, all I wanted to get is a Strawberry Cream Frappuccino. 

You might think that I have a suspicious frame of mind and acting as a weirdo. Let’s do a test and pay attention to your reaction/thought when you read the below scenarios.
1.      You were in a supermarket and saw your Relief Society President at the coffee and tea aisle.
2.      A member from your ward walked in to Church with t-shirt and jeans during sacrament meeting.
3.      You saw a brother from your ward at Starbucks, ordering drinks.
4.      You were on the bus/car, you saw someone you know from Church walked out from a store on Sunday afternoon.
5.      A member from your ward posted an article related to supporting same-sex marriage.
6.      Or any other similar situations that trigger your mind and make you think that the person is not being “Mormon”.

Either you are the one standing inside Starbucks (or anywhere) and have that odd feeling or you are the one witnessing other Mormon in such situation, isn’t it stressful for us to have such wariness in our heart and mind? I am not here to provide a solution to ease these odd feeling. YOU are the only solution to this problem.


G.K.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Eternal quest of “ultimate” happiness

        Ever since I was a little girl, I was taught that my happily ever after meant getting married in the temple. Like any other little girls, I dreamed and dreamed about that amazing day when I finally got to wear that shinny white gown kissing the coolest guy in tux as we walked out of the temple. However, the older I grow, the more questions arise. What does that happily ever after mean? What contributes to that “ultimate” happiness?

        It has taken me quite some time to figure out that legendary happily ever after does not magically begin from the wedding. Getting married in the temple implies a man and woman entering into a covenant with God promising for eternity (D&C 132). As the nature of the covenant and its promise blessings are immutable for every couple, the degree of happiness depends upon the quality of relationship and the person whom we choose.

        It all boils down to the ideology of an ideal marriage which we choose who we date and who we marry with accordingly. We interact with different people and find out who we are attracted to then pursue the relationship further. Meanwhile, we weight that happiness and try capturing a vision of the future being with that person to see if that’s truly what we desire.         

        Pardon me if I sound harsh now. While each of us are striving and reaching for our ultimate happiness, may we respect each other’s agency and decision with greater sensitivity? Getting married and building an eternal family is not a race and it certainly is not a competition. We do not and SHOULD NEVER impose our preference or definition of that “ultimate happiness” on others. Lucretius stated clearly that what was food to one, was to others bitter poison. IT IS OKAY TO CHOOSE and I hope you will choose because you deserve to be happy! Don’t marry the guy if you don’t love him that much. Don’t keep dating the same guy if you don’t feel right about the relationship. Be courageous and choose what you love!

        I understand the pressure from the mainstream Mormon culture as I am your fellow single sister with a BYU degree and a full-time mission experience. From time to time, I will have kindhearted church members challenging my priorities and attempting to evaluate my social life. I admit it; sometime it’s easy to question what I’ve done wrong doubting the Lord’s timing just like the older brother of the prodigal son. Come to think of it, I appreciate all the sorrow, hardships, and disappointments in my life because they have made me a more compassionate person/friend/therapist with the ability to empathize with others. I know with surety that those lessons are for my own good and learning.

  So, I still dream about and hope for that miraculous day marrying the love of my life for time and for all eternity. The picture becomes clearer and clearer each day as I get to know myself more and what that ultimate happiness truly means to me. Sometimes it still seems like I will never get there but most of the time I recognize the choices I have made and with a silly smile knowing I am only getting closer.


K.D.

Monday, June 17, 2013

The Imagined Community of Ideal Mormon Women

First, let me elaborate two terms found in the title, “Imagined Community” and “Ideal Mormon Women”.

The concept of “Imagined Community” is from Benedict Anderson, Professor Emeritus from Cornell University. He is famous for his book Imagined Communities. According to Anderson, he defines nation as “an imagined political community and imagined as both inherently limited and sovereign. It is imagined because the members of even the smallest nation will never know most of their fellow-members, meet them, or even hear of them, yet in the minds of each lives the image of the communion” (Note 1). Simply saying, nation is somehow intangible and it is imagined. Its people connect themselves through commonalities and other forms.

As for “Ideal Mormon Women”, the “Mother-In-Zion Syndrome”, an article found in Sunstone, depicts the meaning of ideal Mormon womanhood. It said “…grinding your own wheat and making your own bread and have your own garden and taking casseroles over to all the sick and … also being a perfect mother and an ideal housewife and well-groomed and reading scriptures every day…the women themselves who carry around with them excessive expectations of what they should or should not be as Mormons… some of the feel they have to reach this kind of idealized, crystallized, beautiful Mormon woman...” (Note 2).

I borrow Anderson’s concept and apply it to the Mormon women world. The Mormon women group is definitely not a nation, but we cannot deny that this group of Mormon women connect themselves together via this imagined ideal Mormon women image regardless of where each Mormon woman is from, and despite the fact that they do not know each other in person. There is no written handbook or guidelines on “How to Be the Perfect Mormon Woman”, but we unconsciously allow the ideal Mormon women image embedded in our minds and it seems like this is the only legit way to connect Mormon women from all corners of the earth.

We are living in this imagined community of ideal Mormon women, no matter you are Mormon women from Hong Kong, Japan, Samoa, Ghana, Sweden, Canada…etc.

How many of us realize that the “perfect” Mormon woman actually doesn't exist at all? This “perfect” Mormon woman “…who is really a myth, a mystique. She doesn't exist at all, in fact. But all Mormon women in almost any ward you wanted to go into would tell you they know a woman who is like that…” (Note 3). Have you ever experienced that? Have you ever questioned this “perfect” Mormon woman?

It is a personal choice for Mormon women to choose whether to follow these unwritten guidelines on “How to Be the Perfect Mormon Woman” or be true to herself. I am not here to judge whether the concept of perfect Mormon women is problematic, instead, I would like to introduce this concept to you and to provide you another way to see yourself within the circle of Mormon women. I hope this concept can help you to see yourself from a different point of view.

I hope you do.

If you don’t, that’s okay too. I wish you are happy on what you are pursuing and please, don’t get depressed because you are not close to become the perfect Mormon woman.

Note 1: Anderson, Benedict. Imagined Communities. London & New York: Verso, 2006.
Note 2&3: Sunstone. “Mother-In-Zion Syndrome”. Sunstone (1999):16.

G.K.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

“What would you do if you weren’t afraid?”

At the Barnard College Commencement 2011, Sheryl Sandberg closed her speech with a question, “What would you do if you weren’t afraid?” While contemplating what fear was, an incident happened back in high school swiftly caught my attention. Next thing I knew, I revisited my greatest fear again.

In the 9th grade, my liberal education class focused on politics and our final project was presenting a news article with our own commentary. Wanting to make it more challenging, I signed up for the last one so that I would have to come up with something different than the entire class. The article I chose was about the arrest of a high profile businessman by the ICAC (Independent commission Against Corruption). I articulated my points indicating ICAC used negative press as a form of castigation when evidence was insubstantial for prosecution. I dug out previous cases showing the patterned of official arrests that did not proceed for further action.

From the astonished looks of my classmates, I knew I nailed it and I was so excited. My teacher, Miss Chan, commented my presentation and I remembered every word she said till this day. Miss Chan spoke with contempt, “That is a remarkable presentation. It will be even better if that is your own idea (implying I plagiarized).” With a perfect score, I walked back to my seat in tears, heartbroken by her shameful comment.

What troubled me still is not a horrible teacher in high school but my craven behavior. I have had the opportunity to defend myself yet I was so afraid to even sound a word. My circumstances coming from a low socioeconomic status family and attending a “ghetto” high school should not directly correlate my academic success with dishonesty. I dreadfully gave in to fear of not being heard and surrendered my dignity. 

Fear is such a paradoxical emotion. From the evolutionary perspective, it is natural and it is what protects us from dangerous situations. This survival mechanism enables us to process threats immediately and respond with a fight-or-flight reaction. However, it is also fear that holds us back from stepping out of our comfort zone. Joanna Brooks phrases it beautifully, "courage doesn’t mean being free from fear; it means learning to work through fear and speak even when we are afraid."

Recently I had the opportunity to have some phenomenal discussions with a great friend. In an in-depth and intense chat on equality, it daunted on me that I did not speak of what I believed in enough. Working through my fear of not being heard, we honestly spoke about our fears, past experiences and, aspiration. I am grateful for all the inspirations and sunshine he has brought into my life. His courageous action facing his biggest fear has inspired me to step out of the shadow of fear, so I now take my step sharing what I truly believe in on this blog. I wish every woman get to be her potential and choose for herself even facing the greatest fear in her life.

Now it's your turn. “What would you do if you weren’t afraid?”

K.D.





Monday, June 10, 2013

On the topic of dating/marriage... a Chinese Mormon woman's experience

Over the years I was involved in numerous conversations (or I should say, being counseled) on the topic of dating/marriage. Below quotes are real accounts from real people.

1. Conversation with my Mormon friends from Utah.
“You know… it’s okay. If it comes, it comes. Don’t just pick someone and get married. It may be better for you if you stay single instead of marrying a guy that is just okay.”

2. Conversation with my bishop in the middle of my temple recommend interview/tithing interview:
“Have you been to any Young Single Adult Activities recently? I encourage you to attend those activities. Continue to be obedient, keep the commandments, and magnify your calling… Sister, I know the time will come. Just be patient and the Lord will bless you.”

3. Conversation with my siblings who are not Mormon when I was dating:
“You are still too young to consider getting married. You should enjoy life! There are so many things out there for you to experience!”

4. Conversation with the sisters (the mother-level) in my homeward who seem show concern for my exaltation:
“Are you dating anyone? You need to go out and meet the brothers. Don’t aim too high. There are so many good, faithful priesthood brothers out there. Be more open-minded. Maybe your “the one” is just right around the corner. See, sister XX went to the so-and-so activity and now she is dating this really nice guy.” 

5. Conversation with some of my young Mormon friends from Hong Kong:
“What? A PhD? You are thinking to get a PhD? You must be kidding me. Your education is going to scare your potential-husband-to-be. You don’t need a PhD to raise the kids.”

The list can go on and on, but I guess it’s already overwhelming enough.

According to these conversations, I am a Chinese Mormon woman that is
1. too old (which I still haven’t reached my 30 yet) to find a husband based on the Utah Mormon culture;
2. lost and do not know where/how to find “the one”;
3. too young to get married according to the Chinese culture;
4. too shy and reluctant, possibly ultimate cause of still being single.
5. too educated, and violets the Chinese and Mormon cultural norm --“men are breadwinners, women are homemakers.”

I thought to myself, “so… I guess I am too old to find a husband, but too young to get married. That’s confusing. People make me feel like I am making a huge mistake when I don’t go to YSA activities. I honestly don’t believe that I will miss “the one” if I don’t go to that particular YSA activity. Can’t I just have the social life of my choice? Am I too shy and reluctant? Not really, it’s just that I am not into any of those making-you-find-the-husband activities designed by people who think that are being helpful for my eternal salvation. And on being too education, do you mean ‘more educated = single = miserable life’, ‘less educated = married = happy life with kids’? I guess my math was not good enough to understand these equations.”

“To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven” (Ecclesiastes 3:1). I wish all of us can understand the underlying wisdom from this simple phrase in relation to the dating/marriage matters. 

G.K.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

I am not a nameless Chinese Mormon woman

Maxine Hong Kingston’s book, The Woman Warrior, started with the story titled “No Name Woman”. The story goes like this: No one in Maxine’s family would dare to mention Maxine’s aunt and her name was not recorded in the family genealogy. From the narrative of Maxine’s mother, the seemingly insubordinate aunt did something that brought shame to the whole family. No one knew what the aunt did and no one would want to know the true story behind, or if the aunt really did something that brought shame to the family. It became a mystery. I read this story when I was an undergrad and it stays in my mind until now. I remember this no name woman.

In most cases, only male’s names in the family are recorded in the family genealogy in the Chinese society. Rarely a woman’s name is recorded. The way women’s names are recorded is that they will be recorded as “Chan Tai Man (husband’s full name) Fu Yan (Mrs.)” or “Chan (maiden name, father’s last name) Si (surname in Chinese)”. You hardly find a woman’s full name in family genealogy.

As I serve as a temple worker and have done proxy temple ordinances for the deceased in the temple, I have seen hundreds and thousands of these no name Chinese Mormon women. Their “names” were printed in these little pink paper, all lining up and waiting for the chance to receive sacred ordinances. They are referred as so-and-so’s wife under the husband’s name, so-and-so’s daughter under the father’s family name. These women, no matter what they have done to themselves or to the family, be it good or bad, glorious or shameful, they remain nameless, they remain unrecognized. My heart grieves to know that, even for the most scared ordinances in the temple, these women receive the ordinances without name.

Hundreds and thousands of nameless women’s name and stories are hidden. Their voices are unheard.

bell hooks said in her book Remembered the Rapture: the Writer at Work, “Indeed, no woman writer can write ‘too much’… No woman has ever written enough.”

Right. No woman has ever written enough. There is a need for more voices. Women are not nameless. I told myself the same thing. I am not nameless and I have a story to tell.  

G.K.

Saturday, June 1, 2013

Breath. It’s okay. It’s going to be alright.

As your fellow meaning seeking animal, I understand how we easily turn to self-blaming or switch to the solution generation mode when questions, troubles, and doubts surface. It is my intention to share a comforting advice I have once received taking a moment to cope and process. I promise you it will be alright however it may turn out.

I still remembered that cold February night when I walked out of the airport one last time with my missionary name tag pinned on my coat (upon completing a LDS mission). The thrill of seeing my beloved family was soon inundated with fear of returning to a normal life. For eighteen months I spent my time in selfless service loving and helping people I have come to identify as family. The thought of ending that time was overwhelming nonetheless I held myself together through the release interview.

I thought I was doing fine. I began working and also went on my first date in 18 months. 15 minutes into the date, I knew I was in trouble. The missionary finding method of knocking on every door or leaving no stone unturned did not quite work in dating. I wished someone would have told me that instead of “Don’t be a snob and give everyone a chance.” I could sense the anxiety in us as we both sat up straight in the movie theater as two newly returned missionaries, so lost, and so frightened.

More and more awkward moments came and I found myself crying to sleep every night. Perhaps I was finally mourning for the end of that amazing 18 months but mainly for what seemed to be a never-ending perplexity encircling me. One evening trembling under my blanket with my face soaked in tears, I felt this comforting feeling placating my troubled soul. It was a reassuring feeling saying, “Breath. It’s okay. It’s going to be alright.”   

Of course life did not immediately transform to a happily ever after but I have come to appreciate the confusion, loss of direction, and uneasiness which eventually leads to a new, a happier direction every time. Please understand that you are so loved by your Heavenly Father and don’t quite on Him just yet. Keep breathing, and things do work out. It takes time, effort, and learning but it does work out. As my heroic cowboy looking bishop once said, “We may sit here and just cry for hours but if you leave my office today leaning one step closer to Christ, I take it as a good day.” I share the same thoughts and feelings with you. We can rejoice, study, and even cry over whatever issues we discuss here on the blog. If you leave our blog feeling uplifted or leaning one step closer to Christ, I too take it as a good day.

K.D.